So you see this picture below.
How crazy this seems, is EXACTLY how my brain feels tonight!!
Today was well.... a day. A day that at 9pm, I think I can say, I survived. I had many questions before this moment on if I would make it, and if I did, would I have any sort of sanity left. I feel the need to blog about this day, because I hope in 20 years, I will find some sort of humor in all this.
Today was a day that I snapped. The terrible two's have me so far in over my head I don't know how to get out. I am awe struck at the terrible two stage. I look at this beautiful daughter of mine and think, "it takes talent to act this bad!" I have been in shock, I have been mad, I have cried, I have worried over the type of mother I am, I have googled how to be a mother to this, I.HAVE.HAD.EVERY.EMOTION. possible!! And all of these emotions, I have had just in the past 12 hours!!
So what do I do. After apparently losing my mind, I thought it would be a good idea to get new scenery, get out of the house and go to Target. (HA!!) I've lost my ever lovin' mind!! (But I've already informed you I had, so please bear with me!)
My child, at Target is the worst combination ever!! She won't sit in the front of the cart b/c she gets around the straps and tries to stand up (which is just too dangerous). You put her "in" the cart and she tries to climb out. You let her walk with you, she's good for 30 seconds, and then she runs and hides in clothes! SOOOO....you know how I said I snapped....here's my story...
I had gotten through target, I was in the checkout line putting my items on the rolly thingee. Jaycee of course was bent over playing in the candies and I thought, she's content, I'll just let her fiddle with all of those bags. I got done loading the rolly thingee, look over, and she's gone.
MEANWHILE, this NEW mommy was right behind me in line with her little 2-3 month old in their little car seat and she's doing this "coochy coochy coo" crap, while in the midst of looking at me like, "ugh, can't you handle your kid better than that!" NEVERMIND the fact that at that moment, SHE'S MISSING. I knew she was in the clothes behind me b/c she loves to hide in them, so i immediately go running, only to find her in the next checkout lane beside mine trying to open some oreos. (so my child by the way...)
I pick her up, give her a preaching, and walk back over to my checkout lane to still find this mom giving me that "i'm so much better of a mom than you" look. So what do I do...
I look at her and say, "Give it a year!! I had that same look on my face a year ago as you have right now. Just give it a year."
Yes, that was my snap, but if you know me....ya'll know I'm DEFINITELY not that kind of person!! But when I'm stressed, perspiring to no end and worried about my daughter....there's no telling who I can turn in to.
We came home, I fed her, and immediately put her down for a nap. I then came to the bedroom, laid on the bed, cried for a while and listened to Chris Tomlin while I just prayed to God for him to help me raise this little girl to be a good little girl. I prayed for guidance, for help, for sanity, for my chest pain to go away...I prayed for EVERYTHING. Then nap time was over (according to Jaycee). Then things took a turn...
At some point this afternoon, I had already had it again, and started crying. This little girl that I was so upset with, saw me crying, and came over and wiped my tears, got my hair that was stuck to my tears off my face and gave me a hug. (Which only made me cry harder!) Because it hit me. As on edge as I have been with her lately- God gave me a glimpse of her heart with how she took care of me when I was crying. He reassured me I wasn't a bad mom. He reassured me that she isn't "out to get me", and that she has had to have seen love displayed to her before, for her to have displayed it back to me. I felt peace for the first time the WHOLE day. It's just a season. It's just temporary. The terrible two's shall pass.
But until then- the only thing getting me thru it, is Chris Tomlin during the day, and a good Margarita at night!! At least that's how I got through this one!! ;) Doesn't make good Christian sense- but desperate times, call for desperate measures!! :)