Sunday, January 2, 2011

i looked in the mirror...

Well since I couldn't procrastinate any longer on how to change my life for the next year, I decided to take an even harder look at myself this year, a look that is more personal...and I discovered many things about me that I wasn't super excited to see.
I not only decided to do the 'eat better' , 'exercise more', 'lose 15 lbs before we go to Jamaica in June' resolution, but to actually see what part of me as a person that could also change for the better. I usually try to avoid this and tell myself that I usually always try to do what's right, and I try to be a good christian and friend and that those things are enough to make up who I am. I find myself though, with those that I'm the closest to, to not always have those qualities show through as much as I even try to portray those to merely aquaintances.
So I did, what I had to do. I looked at myself in the mirror and talked outloud to myself (like a fool) and told myself the things that I needed to work on as a person of quality. I did the whole "what if I died ,what would people say about me at my funneral" type of thing. And while I can assume what most of my friends and people I hardly know would say, but what would my husband say (or think..which is scarier), or what would my siblings and parents say or think b/c they seem to be around the real me. They see and know me "raw." And is me "raw" the best I can be?? Of course not, and that is why I decided this year, I would work more on the inner me.
As much as we all should have accountability partners in life, I think we should also do this for ourselves at times. I have brought to the surface the things that I wish to work on, and while I hope only positive things can happen from this, it has humbled me so much.
I want to share with you my biggest challenge. I can be at work, or with friends, or people I hardly know, and if I think I've done something wrong, I'm IMMEDIATELY freaking out and apologizing for whatever it might be that I have done. With my husband, or my family, for some reason it's the opposite. Why, I have no clue. The people that are closest to me, I put up the biggest/baddest front. I have learned that I struggle between weakness vs. humility or humbleness.
If I apologize to my husband, will he think he's won the fight that I so desperately 'want' to win?? Or if I apologize will he humble himself too and apologize for his part?? I struggle with that so much, and it's so much apart of stubbornness and I'm sure part pride. I have vowed that if I am in the wrong, even if his wrong started the fight, to at least apologize for my part even if he hasn't said he's sorry yet. This to me is going to be a HUGE battle for me, while I'm sure it's easy for others, it's a fault of mine. I like to be right!! hahaha.

I want this little girl to grow up with parents that strive to be the best they can be, and I want her to grow up humble, and to know what we all fall short and none of us are perfect. And that has to start with me and her daddy. We have to portray that to her, for her to learn those qualities.

I am so sorry for those of you who actually read through this whole thing. If you're not asleep, I thank you and ask for your prayers for 2011, and I will do the same for you! It's never too late to make yourself a better person. Some people just don't have as much work as I do!! :)

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